The Honour of the World

An interpretation of Theodore Fontaine.

It can be that if we look to the outer world for honour we will find none that runs deep to the heart.
What in truth lifts and holds us must live within oneself

To look to support from pride or to the worlds applause when the heart is down is of little use.

Fleeting praise, the day's fame let that be granted the vain one;
But let the road to the heart inward be the sanctuary that stands before you.

And what is discovered in this looking inward. What is this? What is this puzzle, that is so perplexing. For me the recognition that I’m not in control and that sad or difficult moments do not mean I’ve done something wrong or that something needs to be fixed. All the ups and downs, lights and darks, are part of who I am; who we are.”

From Down Under

What is real of me has been disabled by what I have become. That which is real seeps through the expanding fissures of the epoxy personality. Something small of me is still a part of that finite surface although from without it has been encouraged, manipulated and compromised into separating from it’s true nature and in that has become calcified. Something more flowing and substantial of its origin has been contained within. I am not clear about what is emerging through these fissures. I am realizing that there is something from down under that is more of me than what I have come to identify with, illuminating and drawing me to the infinite.

The Inside Out

It’s not such a simple task to turn the inside out. For years I had no emotional memories or feelings about my first girlfriend Gwen. Something of me has blocked any kind of passion or affectionate recall. But there is something of the inside that is now turning outside. I’m now remembering her in a loving way, regretful of how I contributed to her suffering. Peeling the layers away to reveal what has been blocked sounds so abstract and mechanical a process. But there is something in our human “getting by” that we grasp on to ways of escape.

In his bookDoors of Perception” Aldous Huxley acknowledges that it “seems most unlikely that humanity at large will ever be able to dispense with Artificial Paradises.” Most men and women lead lives at the worst so painful, at the best so monotonous, poor and limited that the urge to escape, the longing to transcend themselves if only for a few moments, is and has always been one of the principal appetites of the soul.

Peeling away has to do with dropping these ways and it seems to be more of being at a point where the body/mind is ready to cope with the pain that has been inseparable from existence. As well it seems to involve becoming conscious of ways that I have avoided it. Escape in general has not been something that enables maturation, emotional awareness or resolve.

The Inside Out

It’s not such a simple task to turn the inside out. For years I had no emotional memories or feelings about my first girlfriend Gwen. Something of me has blocked any kind of passion or affectionate recall. But there is something of the inside that is now turning outside. I’m now remembering her in a loving way, regretful of how I contributed to her suffering. Peeling the layers away to reveal what has been blocked sounds so abstract and mechanical a process. But there is something in our human “getting by” that we grasp on to ways of escape.

In his bookDoors of Perception” Aldous Huxley acknowledges that it “seems most unlikely that humanity at large will ever be able to dispense with Artificial Paradises.” Most men and women lead lives at the worst so painful, at the best so monotonous, poor and limited that the urge to escape, the longing to transcend themselves if only for a few moments, is and has always been one of the principal appetites of the soul.

Peeling away has to do with dropping these ways and it seems to be more of being at a point where the body/mind is ready to cope with the pain that has been inseparable from existence. As well it seems to involve becoming conscious of ways that I have avoided it. Escape in general has not been something that enables maturation, emotional awareness or resolve.

Turning the Inside Outward

The act of creating for me involves turning the inside outward. I paint and write as an expression of what is experienced inside. It can also be called revelation, showing or phenomenalization. Creating is an attempt to express what is hidden. The painting and written story is outsideness for the creator; they are phenomenon, things shown. But they are revelatory of the self that is creating. The form that results is contingent upon the artist and the artist transcends them all, but the artist is really present in and as them. The artist,s inside turns into the outsideness as the creation when the artist paints and the writer writes. This action of turning the inside out is a type of ecstasy; an attempt to express the dance of the cosmos. It is a revelation of a sort; a phenomenalization of being: a kind of incarnation of what is present within. It is inseparable from the direct experience of being; an act of agape in that creation.

What Flows From Within

Emptiness seeps from the cracks of brokenness. Something of my humanity is enabled in that emptiness; surging forward over the crumbling barriers that ensured separateness. Perceptions, beliefs and desires that have blocked me from what is true of self are eroded in the flow. Beneath a surface of seeming incoherence, innate hostility and hopeless fragmentation a “living and deep-rooted unity” is trying to break free. I can no longer bare to be unreal. A humble realization of my imperfection and a sense of compassion emanates from the heart, replacing willful intent to become other.

I long to share with the world what is illuminated in the darkness, although to enter into dialogue with those who fail to see one’s point requires extreme spiritual stamina. Later I realize that what radiates within is actually ineffable and is best emanated not with words but from being. How long will I be able to resist the lure from without to define in words, reduce and become.

To Fix Suffering, or not.

I write or paint most every day inseparable from reflection, contemplation and meditation. In this universe that is ever unfolding and changing I don’t look for security or liberation in these acts or in things external to me or in the pursuit of fixed promises. I have woken to the lie of self or any other incomplete idea or explanation that does not realize it’s own time bound limitation. Nothing is fixed. The only way now, for me is to allow myself to be immersed in that change and the consequences that it brings. Pain and suffering is inevitable in change, a necessary consequence of an unfinished universe. I do not seek to be liberated from that suffering but to be open enough to accept it and allow the change in me that it brings in its movement through me. A challenge for me is to use language and other mediums in a way that reflects, expresses and helps me to be with the impermanent nature of life, in seeing and being as I see it in an ever evolving world, relating to what arises in form out of the formless.