Change is inevitable and it is endless. Knowing this does not soften the difficulty that change brings at times. Resistance to change brings suffering and these days I am more prepared to accept change and deal with that suffering in a more direct, authentic way than I have done in the past. That involves removing of the mask that I have spent so much of my life creating. Ultimately that effects the rapport that I have come to have with many, at times making it more difficult to find common ground. Ultimately these days I attend more to what guides me from within. As an artist I have spent more recent years of my life attempting to develop and perfect a form of expression. I am only now realizing that being authentic has more to do with removing what form I have come to rely on in that expression. It is more about getting out of the way, which involves awareness of the constant work required to move beyond the power of the ego to contract on itself. In that awareness there is the removal of ideas, words and behaviour that block an expression that is inherent.

Talking about my own experience at times can seem like a self absorbed fixation. The reality is that all we know of the mind, body and world is our experience of them, and experience is utterly dependent on the presence of our self, whatever that may be. Nobody has ever or could ever experience a mind, body or world without their own self first being present. The only real reference that I have to life is my own direct experience.

If nothing else, I have embraced “looking within”; a way of questioning and doubting what has come to me as external truth. I have no way to express that experience accept to use the reference of “I” and “My” aware of the limitation of those conventional concepts.

I seek connection, intimacy and an ability to relate in my friendships. It is not those things in themselves but a sense of “essence” that they enable that is relevant. That is when I intuitively know that I have a friend.

There are so many things in our contemporary lives that distract us from knowing ourselves and in turn our essence. Conventional patterns and habits replace aspects of relating to life and others that allow for a sense of essence in our lives. When our relationships are not of that quality than we are better off looking to silence for that essence, rather than losing something essential of what we are.

It’s has been no easy task to find what is real of existence and to discern what, of what I have been taught and become, is grounded in truth. I now know that I have for so long relied on a contracted sense of self that guided my perceived choices about who and what to attend to and follow. My history of grasping onto things that were quite superficial was fuelled by the reality that I wasn’t ready to be more honest with myself, although there was a subtle awareness that I was lost and that suffering was brought on in that. I was not in a place where I could accurately discern where to turn to find something more dynamic and essential of myself.

The reality of what lay deep within the cave of my heart, that belonged to me alone, would remain illusive until in my fumbling a graceful gradual accumulation of courage, that I did not realize I was capable of allowed for penetration into the depths and enabled a movement towards a more complete embodiment of self than I until than had known.

David Whyte writes that there is sometimes a crisis arising where something essential of us is discovered when and where “it is making itself felt, where the touchable rawness of life becomes part of the fabric of the everyday and a robust luminous vulnerability becomes shot through with the necessary, imminent and inevitable prospect of loss, that has been described for centuries as the dark night of the soul.”

For some as it was for me it was revealed as a rush of feeling and intuition, breaking through the filters and assumed perceptions and falsities of “self”. That embodiment was not of willful choice. There seemed to be no option but to leave the folly I had known and attend more honestly to what I was realizing.