Throughout my life I experienced stretches of time when I felt overwhelmed with life, feeling intensely vulnerable and exposed. These occurred more frequently and lasted longer as time went on. The things that I was taught to pursue in bringing stability to life only seemed to perpetuate insecurity.
At one point I was introduced to sitting in silence and in being with whatever arose in that. I sat through the chaos and disorder that I earlier learned to fear and avoid and I began to realize that they were not something to be eliminated as I had been instructed they were; that there was advantage in attending to and embracing sensitivity snd the vulnerability that comes with it. Arriving at this realization involved a process of change “conversion”: an unlearning of old habits that blocked the light of a new reality and a turning of the mind and heart in grace, inwards. It involves an understanding that nature shows us that life is not meant to be nice, neat, and controlled but lived on the edge between order and disorder.
These days I am not inclined to hold rigidly to perceptions, beliefs and concepts or to strive for security. Learning how to be with the void of emptiness and impermanence comes with the awareness that being open to what is new involves a willingness to experience the death of the old. Ideas serve us but in opening to what is ever changing we must have that flexibility and openness to let go of what is old.
I often receive suggestions and advice from others about how I might eliminate, remedy or fix my increased sensitivity and experience of vulnerability. In my desire to know and be open in a more direct authentic way, sensitivity and openness are desirable qualities. Repeating the same old story and patterns doesn’t involve being creative and sensitivity to what is arising in presence. It can only block it and in turn what is conducive to living and unfolding in life.
These days I see more clearly that there is something to be realized in coping in a new way; in being with what is revealed in tune with what is arising from within as opposed to escaping and denying the sense of insecurity they may bring.
In aloneness we are permitted to shed the outer skin as the body is inhabited in a different way than we have known; as a question as opposed to a statement. In inhabiting the aloneness, we listen in our own particular and direct way. We must first go through the doors of realization, towards acceptance of nothingness beyond the familiar.