In contemplation I turn within. It’s a never ending,ongoing process of reflection on who I am and how I endure through time. I question who I am and wether selective memories connecting me to the past are enough to secure my identity amid the constant flow of new experiences and encounters I have. In openess I inquire. Does an eternal soul rest within me as I move through changing landscapes? Can I find myself only by going backwards, and recollecting who I used to be? Should I be therefore attached to the past, when life moves forwards?
Much of life is conducted in patterns. Husbands return to their wives every night; religous subjects return to their God every day in prayer, each day we prepare in a way that we did the day before, in work and in search of happiness, pleasure and diversion. We see the same people and work and play in the same way. Through such repetitions people keep their known worlds in place , and endure through time. They return to themselves.
But is there something lost in the balance, in this attachment to these memories of who we believe we are and how we should be. Is it not by stepping forwards, into the unknown, not by thinking back how human beings remain true to their loves; to their lives.
There is intense conventional and social pressure to return to the patterns that focus us in the past so how is it that we can step forward when for our whole life our pattern; our conditioning has been to look to what we are in the past.
At this later part of my life of increasing loss, of friends and family dropping away, as well as changes to things that I have turned to for sustenance and self definition, I am left with the awareness of what is left of that self that remains after all that has defined me is lost.
All that I really know is right here, right now—exactly as it is, before my memories and thoughts take me away from it; before my habit of finding my way back to what I have been prodded and coerced to believe, grasp onto or what I have defined my self to be sweeps me away.
Nothing to repeat or become, to judge or to grasp onto. In letting go, from nothingness to everything. Here and now; in aliveness receiving oneself anew.