The Covid restrictions have been difficult these past few months. Our world has changed so suddenly. So many individuals have had their hopes and dreams suddenly squashed. Joan Tolifson writes “When the future disappears, we are brought home to the immediacy that we may have avoided all our lives—the vibrant aliveness Here-Now, the only place where we ever actually are.”
All this opportunity for presence here these days. I’m more aware in that presence, although awareness is not allays a blissful experience that it is often promoted to be. There is a part of me that has had to learn to confront painful experiences, ignored in the past. So there is some learning involved if I am to be present to whatever arises and letting go seems to have a lot to do with becoming aware of all the ways that I have learned to avoid being present. With Covid the falling away has been helped along a little bit as old ways don’t seem to work with all the changes that have been thrust upon us.
I do feel compelled to distract from it all, at times; to be that “chameleon other” who is obsessed with self-improvement and self-preservation but these past months have stirred up a deeper awareness of what is unfolding. That is something more real being with all the changes, both externally and internally; like getting older and death and what comes with that and other things from within that strive to break into the light. Observing as witness, letting go of resistant habitual ways and force fed knowledge allows change to unfold in a fundamental more natural way in line with the being that I am. We humans seem to create a bungling blockage out of our craving for permanence, security and other acquired preferences. We sacrifice the here and now and the wisdom that is aligned with connection with life essence in that. Ultimately being exactly who I am with “reckless abandon” is best realized in presence.
That I find myself more in solitude and silence, grounded in presence that comes with it allows for clearer seeing. Creating, writing and painting emerge out of all this being present to self.
Some would say that this is an act of self indulgence but I am realizing more than ever the distinction between “self occupation” and a “soul occupied with itself” that most would not make. I have always been prone to hyper reflectivity and in solitude and contemplation that process becomes even more likely these days. More than ever I look to what is within other than to an external world of sensual pleasure for my bearing. I sense that in allowing ourselves to be and to unfold in this way, in the here and now , that it allows for the light to shine in a way that deepens consciousness and what it is that is revealed in that. Santhey Shetty writes that faith is the subjective awareness of truth with one’s own individual existence.