The Inside Out

It’s not such a simple task to turn the inside out. For years I had no emotional memories or feelings about my first girlfriend Gwen. Something of me has blocked any kind of passion or affectionate recall. But there is something of the inside that is now turning outside. I’m now remembering her in a loving way, regretful of how I contributed to her suffering. Peeling the layers away to reveal what has been blocked sounds so abstract and mechanical a process. But there is something in our human “getting by” that we grasp on to ways of escape.

In his bookDoors of Perception” Aldous Huxley acknowledges that it “seems most unlikely that humanity at large will ever be able to dispense with Artificial Paradises.” Most men and women lead lives at the worst so painful, at the best so monotonous, poor and limited that the urge to escape, the longing to transcend themselves if only for a few moments, is and has always been one of the principal appetites of the soul.

Peeling away has to do with dropping these ways and it seems to be more of being at a point where the body/mind is ready to cope with the pain that has been inseparable from existence. As well it seems to involve becoming conscious of ways that I have avoided it. Escape in general has not been something that enables maturation, emotional awareness or resolve.

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