A Folly Once Indulged

You are not a human being in search of a spiritual experience. You are a spiritual being immersed in a human experience.—Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Cracks and crevices appear on the surface of the sculpted, mask-creation that has become an extremely familiar adornment over the years. I am tentative in opening to what might be emerging from within that is facilitating this outer change; never the less, I no longer have the energy or initiative to indulge in surface activities that seem to have maintained the appearance of the mask over the years. There is something of me that now realizes that this attention only really served to insulate me from a more whole and sensitive being and expression of that.

An illuminating expansion of my conscious experience alongside an intensity of newly felt sensations seems to emerge as a result of letting go of old habitual ways. It can be somewhat exhilarating and at times overwhelming in its intensity. It seems all to be a part of what a more direct experience of living brings forth and invites of what has been ignored of being. This in turn, contributes to the increased cessation of the surface obsession and the suffering that has been the consequence of it.

I find myself laughing and crying at times in shame and regret as repressed memories surface revealing the anxiety, drama and folly I have entertained in looking to the influence of the outside world and how inability to cope with it has contributed to ongoing hiding. Until more recent times I couldn’t seem to bare the deeper truth of life and being; of my authentic self. It all requires adjustment. I know that I can not be completely separate from the deluded life I led.

I am now more ready to look for truth, and realize that the truth I desire to realize does not come to us from outside. There is something more authentic of what I am, already within. The secret of divine life is discovered there and needs only to be accepted and nurtured. There is an awareness of the union of infinite with the finite discovered in that and a much more intimate encounter with existence drawing nearer.

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