Most of us humans spend our life hiding. Relationships can help us to hide. In short, in our ego-consciousness we ultimately see ourselves as separated beings, fragments that relate to other fragments in terms of efforts to obtain some advantage. As such we experience life in a limited way, ignorant of something more complete of ourselves discovered more in looking within.
These days many old relations seem to be falling away; partly a result of impermanence and partly because I am becoming aware of the aversion to being alone that has sustained many of these fragmented relationships. This piecemeal identity that I have created myself “to be” in a search for security has ironically perpetuated a sense of being unreal and alone in life.
In stillness I realize with greater clarity the consequences of all this. I see the self centred neediness that has contributed to and is part of the fragmented perception of the world and others. I still at times resort back to this, although in silence, there is clearer seeing and a falling away of the old crust. I am left naked in that falling; at loss and feeling vulnerable, at these times. All those feelings that I have ultimately and relentlessly avoided experiencing.
I am better able to cope with these changes these days in my contemplative way. The darkness discovered in isolation seems not to be so incapacitating as I imagined it to be. A big part of this is adjustment involved in coming to new and more real insight and in shedding beliefs that were once held so closely; that once served as an illusive sense of security. I was blinded in those beliefs, to the confusion, entanglements and illusions of self and depthless relationships that I was enmeshed in. It all seemed to serve a groundless creation I called “my self” rather than anything more intimate or authentic of what I was.
It seems now that there is an ending in sight of the suffering that came with the grasping and from the darkness that it sustained and emerging from that opportunity for more truth and intimacy in relating with all in life.
Most people don’t know what to do with my openness to feeling and talking about my sense of being vulnerable. Often there is an assumption of depression or something that should be fixed; some part of myself to be improved or some ideal or optimal state to be reached. Advice is often offered about how I might be able to fix or improve my self image. It seems to be quite prevalent in the Buddhist practitioners that I have come to know perhaps from the dangled Buddhist offer of an end to suffering. But I no longer see the need to fix myself; discovering that there is liberation in being able to experience life in a deeper more authentic and complete way free from ideals beliefs or notion of pathology that divert me from looking sincerely at what is within.