Most of us humans spend our life hiding. Relationships sometimes help us hide. In short, in our ego-consciousness we see ourselves as separated beings, fragments that relate to other fragments in terms of efforts to obtain some advantage. As such we experience life in a limited way, ignorant of something more authentic of ourselves. In that awareness old relations are falling away and I settle into acceptance of the consequences that come with this there is a growing awareness of how what I have created myself to be has perpetuated being alone in life.
Seeing others in this fragmented way that I once did is falling away leaving a sense of loss and vulnerability although not incapacitating in its impact. Allowing myself to be present to these feelings, something more is illuminated. Adjustment is part of a process of coming to new insight and in letting go of past unconscious ways; that once served as an illusive sense of security and contributed to a confused, entangled and superficial perception of myself and many of the relationships I was enmeshed in. It all seemed to serve this complicated creation I called “my self” rather than anything more intimate or authentic of what I was. It seems now that there is an ending in sight of the suffering that came with the grasping of “my self” and from that an opportunity for more intimacy in relating with all in life.
Most people don’t know what to do with my openness to feeling and talking about my sense of being vulnerable. Often there is an assumption of depression or something that should be fixed; some part of myself to be improved or some ideal or optimal state to be reached. Advice is often offered about how I might be able to fix or improve how I feel. Ultimately it seems to be quite prevalent in the Buddhist practitioners that I have come to know. Buddhism does offer of a promise of an end to suffering. But I no longer see the need to fix myself; discovering that there is liberation in being able to experience life in a deeper more authentic and complete way free from ideals beliefs or notion of pathology that divert me from looking sincerely at what is within.