As a child I would often awaken in the morning feeling the absolute gift of being alive. It took a powerful external event to interfere with the cohesive and unified sense of mind that existed than. There was in that a sense of harmony and connectedness and a feeling of the absolute perfection of life that allowed for a complete presence to each moment. This extended into my youthful years with encroaching periods of chaos and self induced calamity gradually becoming more frequent. Over the years of succumbing to external pressures to become something I gradually seemed to lose that sense of mystery and perfection and all else that naturally emanated from “not knowing”; perhaps being led astray in the pursuit of perceived need, convention and the illusive promises of self development.
I don’t know if it could have been different; if I could have been nurtured into a more authentic unfolding of self in those days. I was vulnerable in my exposure to my teachers and conditioners and what William Blake refers to as the usurpation by the rational function. I was taught and convinced to carry things that didn’t belong to me and I was lost, not able to realize what was occurring or what to do to find my way or how I might attend to life authentically or responsibly or how to find refuge in what I was becoming.
Gratefully, I had at least a deep sense that something was amiss in this and that there was something more inward and when it was allowed to come forward it would elevate even the most mundane of things. I slowly came to find my way back to attending to this inward calling, trusting in its illumination. It turned out to be something more authentic of myself ; something of that childhood experience. An innate “awareness”, that had become lost in the fog of becoming again discovered, allowed me to remember the relevance of this very natural way of being, creating and experiencing that I was inseparate from in those younger years. Awareness continues to allow me to let go of the dependency on what I have accumulated that interferes with those wonderful moments of realization of the gift of life.