I addictively turned to drugs and drinking in my younger years. I experimented with and indulged in many ways of escaping the stress that seemed to come with the expectation of becoming a conventional person. I eventually realized that what I was doing was not bringing fulfillment, but was more a way of escaping and self-forgetfulness. It is tempting at times to find oneself looking to old, habitual ways of escape. They provide for moments of forgetting of everything that I had learned and been conditioned to think of myself and that I strived to be.
Most everything that life calls us to do seems to promote an emphasis on the “me”. My business, my career, my religion, my leaders and politics, financial and economic situation , my escapes and social activities, my support of one party and rejecting another—all of this is emphasizing and strengthening the sense of “me”.
This past week I kayaked and camped through the rivers and lakes of Algonquin Park. Even surrounded by nature, in the absence of all distractions, there seemed to be looming within an anxiety, somewhat existential I suspect, compelling me to act in ways to pursue a more secure self. In awareness I turn towards an alternative way, not of avoidance or escape. In awareness I “let go” and see through all that I think myself to be, all the desires, urges to escape the moment. I contemplate the possibility that “letting go” is an escape or way of forgetting. But there is something that realizes that what I truly “am” is beyond all thought and effort. Its not through a particular method, technique, philosophy or theory that I re-discover this. It is in awareness arising prior to the conditioned mind that it is realized.