In some ways. Germany is like being at a retreat for me. Its chop wood and carry water and a lot of silence and contemplation. I find that upon my return to Canada , I am once again sharing openly and intimately with others, expressing my experience. In doing so I enter into a place of feeling very vulnerable. In the past I mistakenly thought this experience of vulnerability reflected a sense of self inadequacy; that my experience of life was somehow unimportant or that I couldn’t trust my own perceptions and decisions. I now realize that it was these perceptions and beliefs that were blocking me from deeper realization. How easy it is to turn that sense of vulnerability into a story of inadequacy and something that needs to be fixed. Ive been doing this all my life. Much of my thinking has been about taking steps to validate my experience, as if I had to prove somehow that it was true. My self doubt meant that I was believing more in others perceptions and conventional explanations. Ultimately nothing resulted in me feeling more secure.
In letting go of all this I am now finding life in the vulnerability. My attempt to express my experience with this or any other experience that I have, in an authentic way is not the experience itself. It does involve something of me that is incredibly creative but that expression can take many forms. The truth is discovered here for me in my own direct experience.