These days I find myself less engaged in spinning in search for something to grasp onto or believe in. The impulse to do so still seems to arise at times but ultimately I realize that to want to believe in something is mostly about seeking self assuredness which is at odds with the reality of life that; all is unfixed and ever changing. As well this constant need for affirmation takes me away from moments of solitude where I am able to see through the endless futility of such habitual tendencies. However much at times I find myself wanting what is validating, familiar and permanent, there is something of me that desires to know truth more than it relishes comfort of deluded knowing. Truth is discovered and realized in freedom. There is something of me that knows that somehow I can find that in spite of this rigid and familiar self that I find to be dragging on behind me. It was somehow a necessary creation for a time but its relevance is less apparent these days. It gets more in the way of seeing clearly than being helpful. I now deeply question its authenticity. All that I am involved in that contributes to self assuredness seems to add on to the baggage and unnecessary load of delusion.
It is in stillness, opening and letting go that I come to see that it is my attachment to this load that interferes with deeper realizations and a more intimate truth of self and being. Grasping on to conventions, culture and habitual ways can be part of that compromise. It is not in a stability found in the embracing if doctrine, convention and structure that I find freedom but in what they shelter me from. It is in those moments of vulnerability when I am able to let go as long as I can bear to, that I am most alive. If I am able to open beyond all of this I seem to “be” in life in a more creative, passionate and authentic way.