My unfolding experience is that I dont really know many of the things that I have in the past,believed to know. It seems that my attachment to knowing was often more about defending thinking that had come to define who I was. Thoughts were the foundation for creating that boundary and there was a defence of that, however true or not those thoughts may have been. Reflection in any depth about them was minimal. Most of all they seemed to provide something of substance for an identity however vapourous that might have been.
I spend more time in inquiry and reflection these days and arising from that is the awareness of the illussion in many of those claims to know, to the point that my “self identity” as I have known, has come into question. There is a sense of vulnerability experienced in removing that arbitrary boundary of ” self” and from that there is still the need to defend something of what I am that still arises out of that vulnerability. I am more tempermental than I was in my armour and I wonder at times if I am not in fact afflicted with “low self esteem”. But perhaps it is “no self esteem” that I am experiencing. I wonder if my apprehension in experiencing sirectly this increasing sense of vulnerability that comes with letting go of a superficial self is behind it all.
But what of life is revealed in the ability to directly experience and reflect on it without the need to attend to and maintain an artificial vaneer of self definition? Increasing glimpses of it ultimately reveal that there is an experience of “being” and “knowing” beyond anything that those more conventional ways and methods permited. A task at hand may be to somehow come to cope with how others continue to define and cast me from there own self definitions. Our illussions are real to the perceiver; however superficial they may be so ever changing and unfolding. This increase in temperment and rebellion is perhaps more of a reaction to others need to define me and other people in their lives. Despite the futility of that reaction I am not ready to let go. Possibly, it will soften as there is a settlling into this vulnerability; as I see the contradiction that thought creates. As Rupert Spira suggests ” The reality of experience is all that is ever knowm, and yet it can not be known by thought.”