I would say that my life has been one of searching. At one point of my youth I took refuge in my rebelliousness against conventional ways only to find that the grounding that this provided was illusive. It might have been that I began to see the futility of believing in the fixed notion that I grounded my rebelliousness on; the idea that an ideal existed somewhere that conventional thinking was somehow missing.
My searching was somehow a search for truth but ultimately the closest I seemed to come to that was in the debunking of others claims to know. I remain doubtful and highly suspicious of individuals claims to know to this day. Ironically, somehow in unraveling claims to certainty and other such assertions there is some revelation of truth for me, that can’t be known in a more conventional way of thinking and understanding. It seems to me that we put far too much trust in our ability to differentiate and reduce our experience and the importance of the revelations that arise from that. We cant seem to see, in that process that our claims to truth are relative and in that grasping of the relative a deeper, more absolute and intimate awareness realized through direct experience is abandoned. We create a veil between the truth and our experience in our grasping on to knowing.
On the other hand I have encountered those who claim to know that our thinking is irrelevant and unnecessary. This is in fact another assertion of knowing; that the truth is realized in the denial of our external world and the ways that we have come to survive in it. Thinking, and the concepts and ideas that we create seem to be a fundamental and highly relevant part of what we are and our experience in life and how can that part of us be denied if we are to engage a more comprehensive awareness.
These days there has been a shift in my expectation of what truth might look like and the belief that our thinking alone can excavate that. I wonder at times how we can expect to know from thinking what is outside our cognitive ability to comprehend. The way that we have evolved and learned and come to rely on, in terms of knowing our world, may be interfering with our ability to experience what is absolute about truth. I have come to understand that there is something about truth that is revealed in the not knowing and that there is something to be gained when our thinking is grounded in this awareness of what we truly are, and that of ourselves that we are not separate from; however it is that we have forgotten that.