Illuminating the Subjectivity

I have been on a life long search to find myself, however lost I have been at times along the way. Gratefully these days I am more aware than I ever have been of my conditioning,  how often habitual impulses determine my actions and how I am compelled to avoid problems in life and how I have been plagued with anxiety, insecurity and shame that are an inseparable part of them. I internalize it (or stuffing it) and sometimes externalize( projecting it on others) my suffering and perhaps there are other ways as well that I am not yet conscious of.

Eventually I came to realize that the static ways that have been conditioned in humans, through socializing and learning are not enough to illuminate more absolute truths about ourselves and the world and universe that we live in. These conventional ways in fact seem to reinforce habitual patterns. It is only after an endless, fruitless search that I have come to have enough sense and courage to sit in stillness with the underlying fear and doubt that would not go away. I came to understand that I have always been driven by this sense of not living in an authentic way and with the presence of anxiety and the other not so pleasant feelings. In not realizing what my experience was or how it might be different; these emotions were in an ongoing way a major influence in all that I did.

In sitting with our problems, our anxiety and our fear and whatever arises, we learn to become intimate with this all. We come to see how we have lost touch with what is authentic in us and what it is that compels us to search for something missing. We see more clearly the connections with aspects of our life as we never have before. Even with unresolvable problems such as death we can come to realize that it’s not the problem we thought it to be and that we were often taught that it was. It is more that we have come to learn in such an incomplete way trying to understand from our refined and selective sense of human cognition, forgetting that we are much more than the mind that has been trained to perceive. Patch Adams  response to death was , “Whats wrong with death sir? What are we so mortally afraid of? Why can’t we treat death with a little more decency, humanity and dignity?

We are much more than can be objectively understood. There are other ways to realize these insights about ourselves other than the use of meditation. As Soren Kierkegaard wrote, the truth is subjectivity. And whatever we use to become aware of our true nature and the truth of our existence is fine.

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