My Nebulous Self

At times lately life seems clearer and simpler. A pure faith and blind hope have been a subjective verification for a long time spent in  seeking of what can not be thought. It is somewhat of a step up from days of plunging into the darkness and not knowing why. Still I am aware that things change,  that nothing stays the same. And what is it to be a spiritual person?  There are times when the most spiritual of us are not so spiritual.  I can see that there is nothing  permanent that is the self, spiritual or otherwise. I have only in my later years realized this after striving for nearly all my life to shape, form and grasp onto an illusive and hopefully fixed identification of “Me”  that I thought  I was or that I could at least  become.

Gratefully I have found my way, away from this and for the most part it has  involved  letting go of this  desire for a fixed life and  perception of “myself”.  And as well I have come to see the delusional influence of conventional means and norms that my pursuit of this  was a product of.  Simultaneously s this has been revealed to me , the heart has emerged  to play a more eminent role in my understanding of who and what I  am and how I will live my life. It seemed to be buried under all layers of  pseudo self that consumed it. From this rediscovery of the  heart comes a way of faith that I could not have known before and that is not so easily expressed.

As I have come to confront the fear that has blocked the heart and kept me confined in old habits, reinforced by dualistic thinking that I thought to be right and truthful,   I see that at it all existed to serve, protect and reinforce my rather nebulous and separate notion of what I thought I was. All  relationships; what I thought that I knew; what I thought to be love was  compromised by an  underlying fear complicit in this way of perceiving. I was  ultimately in  fear of the loss of that creation that I had become somewhat familiar with and doubtful about how I might  come to  cope without it.

I am seeing through all of this however murky it might be at times. Doing so has involved a dropping away of choice as I, in the past,  knew it to be.  It has been replaced by a sense of being oriented more to an inner sense of  what is authentic something that emanates more from the heart than from thought.  And there is something of a guiding light that it is a part of , that illuminates the way as opposed to providing options to choose from. And there is the presence of a  faith that what is authentic and loving does not involve grasping and does not emerge from fear or desire but from letting go and unfolding in this way. It is just there present underneath all that we have made ourselves into.

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