When writing about what arises in contemplation its easy to get caught up in an habitual way of thinking and doing that is driven by the will and a need to defend and mould my arguments and present them in a way that is meaningful and artistic. There is a lot of information out there in the world about most everything and it has all thoroughly been researched critiqued and revised. But this is not what is at the source of contemplation. This habitual and conventional way can only express it in a way that is something abstract and mechanical and without heart.
This is also what has occurred in the development of the identity that I have come to know and become attached to. In my early life and development I experienced a transformation from something rather innocent and authentic. Ideas and concepts that were not from a direct experience; that were someone else´s experience became the vehicle of change. No wonder that I have been confused and driven to an endless search for something for most of my life. I have only in later years realized that a more authentic part of myself had succumbed to a more superficial veneer created out of attending to these external influences. It is not in searching externally that I have rediscovered something more authentic that I am. Attending to the external only enables a continuing of the spinning that I have been doing for most of my life. A grounding in something more truthful and authentic came out of a turn towards silence. There I have been able to let go of the way of habit that confines me and here I am able to discover a more contemplative way that is increasingly becoming a more familiar and intimate place for me to be. Here I can let my words reflect from the emptiness that is the experience.
I am not referring to emptiness that is absent of relevance but rather an emptiness of a different kind of relevance; not the superficial influence of past conditioning that has limited what I have come to know myself to be. In fact it is a shift and emptying of the mind, as I have known it to be, that occurs. This involves opening in awareness and the allowing of a more absolute, intuitive flow of energy that is part of a more vast consciousness that is unfolding, to be the influence in how I live and how I express myself. Finding the words to express this experience in a more direct way is a part of the creative exercise.