My life seems to be about change. The most recent change is a move we have made into a wonderful new home in the Heide, which means pine forest, in Dolaou Germany. It reminds me of my home, for two years, in Dharan Nepal, located in the foot hills of the Himalayan Mountains. It is probably more about how the natural environments around me affect how I feel. My Nepal home was a very soothing place away from the hustle and bustle of modern life as is my new home. I am surrounded here by forest and bird song that is so inspirational for painting, meditating and contemplating. But everything has an end and already in talking with my wife last evening I realize that life changes quickly for her and I and we could be located somewhere else within a year or two.
Having all this adventure and change has caused me some discomfort with the realization that I have been grieving losses that have been a consequence of these changes. This is the cycle of birth and death it seems. People who have been an important part of my life change as I do. There is a part of me that does not want this but at the same time I think that it is important to be authentic about our experience and expression of it and we must live with what we are. People find there way in different ways.
A change that has been most profound for me is the recent coming to a deeper awareness and experience of the personality being distinct from being. I have always thought ideally that the personality could be perfected through meditation and spiritual practice. This has been my hope however unconscious it may have been over the years. In general I understand that the problem is not that the personality or ego is something that we must eliminate but that through our conditioning and ignorance of what it is we have been cut off from our being , our nature, our origins or whatever else you might refer to it as. It is something of ourselves that is fundamental to a deeper awareness of what we are that we have been disconnected from. We have come to believe in the concrete construction of a self identity that is largely influenced by symbolism and concept.
There is a part of me that has not wanted anything to do with the personality that I have come to have. I have not liked what I have become and I have wanted to change it so very badly. This is what has in the first place brought me to Buddhism. Only now at sixty years of age I am I coming to see and accept my conditioned self and to see that it is not me.This is a reality of the personality, that it never is the authentic self. Through awareness I have come to experience a break through to what I truly am. Transcendence comes from this realization. I am not always in this place of transcendence but it is something that once experienced has a lasting affect. I will always need my personality to negotiate the world but perhaps now I can relate to it as something of a tool as opposed to something that is me. And perhaps this realization will influence the personality in a way that is more authentic expression of being.